Blogging Note: This post has a severe lack of sarcastic reaction gifs and actually goes into semi-depth mode. It's a mix of more acting detail than you care to know mixed with a difficult personal situation. Just know what you're getting yourself into.
I had normal class yesterday from 9 to 6, just like every Monday. We're on "priority" right now which means no skills classes, only acting. This day, I was second in our line-up of long form, opposing action character improvs.
("Jenny, what the heck did that last sentence mean?")
Let's backtrack a bit. Right now we're working on European Realism. (Must be important because I used capital letters.) We're talking about modern-ishy (1860-1910) playwrights whose work represents what we think of as the foundation of "realism" in drama. So, to name drop, I mean people like Ibsen, Chekhov, and Strindberg.
I know what you're thinking. "But is Chekhov only a realism writer, Jenny? Can you even pinhole any of those guys into a label like Realism Playwright??"
(You're not really thinking that, but I have to include it in case any drama snobs stop by this blog unexpectedly.)
Anywho- we're doing duet scenes from these dudes' classics. Think (more name-dropping now) Uncle Vanya, A Doll's House, The Seagull, Miss Julie, and my personal favorite currently...Hedda Gabler. Yes, my scene is from Hedda. No, I'm not playing Hedda. I'm playing Mrs. Elvsted. No, she is not an elf. (As a general rule, Realism = no elves.)
We started the unit with hour long, dramaturgical presentations- mine and Jamie's specifically covered Henrik Ibsen's life, Hedda in performance, and life in Norway in the 1890s. (p.s. - How many vocab points do I get for the word "dramaturgical?") We taught a folk dance whose object is to kick a hat off a stick and played a social hierarchy game involving holding cards to your forehead. Aka- we nailed it.
Next, we moved on to improvisational scenes that have allowed us to explore our characters more fully. One of these is called "opposing actions" wherein yourself and another character in the play's world have opposite goals and must negotiate with the other using as many varied tactics as possible in order to achieve their objective first. You put a setting together and talk to your partner about your shared backgrounds and such, but you plan out nothing. You have 20-30 minutes to freedom to try your hardest to get what you want.
Mrs. E is a fun character to tackle. Ibsen leaves a lot open in her backstory, but also drops great hints that give you a good direction to head in. The "obvious" choice is to play her as this timid victim, but obvious = boring. She has a bravery and strength almost completely opposite of Hedda. (Another p.s.- Read this play if you haven't ever. You can find the free
Project Gutenberg translation here.)
To cut out a lot of details, Mrs. Elvsted is in a loveless, abusive marriage and has instead devoted herself to her step-children's former tutor Eilert Lovborg. (Who can resist a man named Eilert, amirite?) The dramatic action of Hedda Gabler begins after Eilert has left my house in the country for Oslo because he's "restless" and other lame excuses like that. I wanted to really get a feel for how that abandonment felt - how the one spot of light in her life extinguishing itself so quickly felt like. Also, how bold would she be in an attempt to save it? So I chose to set my scene when Eilert was leaving me...whereas I obviously wanted him to stay. Oh hey look, opposing actions!
So...here's where my normal changed a bit.
I checked Facebook very late on Sunday night (so late that it was actually very early on Monday morning). My mom had messaged me that Mammaw was not doing well. She ended up passing away quickly and peacefully that night (still mid-evening in Texas). She was 84 and in a nursing home, but had been in her normal state of health just last Thursday. So you could say it was unexpected.
I'm a Christian. Mammaw was a Christian. I'm assured of where she is - no longer in pain and rejoicing. That doesn't change the fact that you've lost someone forever, in this case my last grandparent. It doesn't change the fact that I wish I were in Texas more than anything. I want to be with my family. I want to hug my mom, my dad, my brother, my sister-in-law, my nieces, my uncle, Emily, Hannah, Janet, Jody...everyone. Basically this is my first extremely negative experience with living across an ocean and to say I don't like it would be a bit of an understatement. But it's a deal I signed up for. For all the perks that come with getting a graduate degree in London, there are also drawbacks. I'm feeling this drawback like a punch in the gut.
So how are these things connected? Well, I knew right away that I wanted to go ahead with my scene. I could have easily put it off (my professors would have probably given me the day off if I had asked) but I felt like delaying it would have made things worse. I just wanted to go. I wanted to do. I wanted to act.
Is it a form of catharsis? Free public therapy? Emotional self-abuse?
As I was grasping at Eilert that morning and begging him not to leave, some would think I was "using" my grandmother's death to make tears fall down my face. Exploiting it, you might say. For that I have two poorly-worded points:
1. Yes, this was maybe my first true experience with having to deal with real emotional distress before going onstage, but...that's life. If I want to do this as a career, it won't be the last time it happens. How do you deal with that as a professional in theatre world? You know that whole "show must go on" thing? At some point, that very stereotypical saying will apply.
2. This scene about a lover leaving my character shouldn't involve my current personal emotional state of losing a loved one.
One point our professors drive home again and again is playing your actions onstage versus your emotions. Deciding to just act scared or happy or anxious makes it all about you (which actors love to do) and leaves the stage empty of any driving force. Imagine if every character onstage was totally wrapped up solely in their own inner emotions. That is an extremely angsty and boring play.
Instead- you focus on your tactics and objectives. What do you want from that other person and how are you going to get it? In my case, how could I guilt, tempt, entertain, push (on and on) Eilert into making him stay? Concentrating on doing something to your scene partner instead of how you feel in the moment makes for a much more interesting and psychologically-healthy piece of drama.
So yes, I came into the space in a certain emotional state - one that wasn't the easiest to deal with - but I kept a handle on myself by keeping my attention on Eilert. In the end, I had a journey in which I didn't just become a blubbering wreck and I discovered some new things about Mrs. Elvsted. That's all I can ask for.
I know that Mammaw loved the fact that I'm over here pursuing this dream. I know she would have wanted me to keep doing the thing that I love.
She always called me her fellow "July fly" because of our shared birthday month. She was sweet, gentle, caring- everything a little girl should have in a grandmother while growing up. She did more for my mom (and so then in turn me) than I'll ever really know.
Most of all, Mammaw loved me and was proud of me. That's all I could have asked for.
God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
