Term 2

One of my friends mentioned off-hand that she was impatiently awaiting my next blog post.

That's for you, Hannah.

Truthfully, I've been trying to blog about something - anything - for a while now. Sometimes there are so many thoughts, emotions, and general things clogging up your brain it's hard to formulate a few sensible paragraphs.

#classic

To put it simply, Term 2 was very different from Term 1.

Harder in good and not-always-good ways.

A little less like a fairytale and a little more like real life.

Still crazy, remember-this-when-you're-eighty kind of fun, but now more fully framed within the heaviness of this world's brokenness.

About a week and a half before I was due to fly to Texas, I found myself (mostly unsuccessfully) attempting to not have a breakdown during rehearsal. Luckily our director Robin is one of the most compassionate, patient men I've ever worked with and understood (even better than me at the time) how multiple things had been piling up on top of me.

My whole life, I've always strived to be the one who has it all together. Being dependable- the one who everyone can always go to- that's a source of pride for me. The past few months, the Lord has patiently and graciously been showing me that in fact I am nowhere close to having it all together.

And- spoiler alert- I never will.

And that's ok.

One of my favorite sayings that I would hear Chandler say over and over at The Village was "it's ok to not be ok." Somewhere along this overseas journey, I packed that little sentence away and forgot about it. The struggle for perfection took hold. The need to be a steadfast rock of an adult began emptying me into a shell of insecurities.

As I was apologizing over and over that Wednesday afternoon in the studio, Robin just kept saying, "It's ok. It's ok. It's ok." I guess he triggered my memory.

It's ok to not be ok.

I missed two funerals in less than two months. I knew I wouldn't be able to complete those grieving processes until I touched Texas soil. That weight influenced me in ways I couldn't really quantify.

There were other factors too. Body images issues. Fear of the future. Apathy. I'm still struggling with all these areas in one way or another. And - say it with me now - it's ok. God's goodness and grace will cover my insecurities and doubts. Some day I hope to be able to fully stand in that truth. Until then, I'll just keep working on being ok with not being ok.

For now, there's Texas.

Whew. Despite all of the above, I pinky-promise that I'm still having the time of my life and wouldn't trade it for anything. I don't have to prove it to you, dearest internets, but I will because going back through these pictures makes my heart full.

In the past term...

...I saw exciting, funny, well-done theatre.

....I continued to make memories with some of the best classmates a gal could ask for. This includes hosting a superbowl party lasting until 5 in the morning, giving europeans their first Rice Krispie treat & Cheddar Bay biscuit experience, watching oodles of Sochi Olympic coverage, taking a Jack the Ripper walking tour on Valentines day, and just generally loving being in the company of such lovely and talented people.

...I fell even more in love with this city.

...I was assured that I have the best flatmate in the history of flatmates. If I want evidence of God's blessings in my life, I have to look no further to the girl who travels twenty minutes on the tube to get me a diet coke the day my grandma passed or walks down to the pharmacy to get me medicine when I can't on my own or stays up until 5 am with me laughing and watching YouTube videos. She loves with fear or judgement and I'm so thankful for that.

Texas has been a wonderful respite so far. My soul breathes deeper around fields of bluebonnets and endlessly sunny skies. Plus, spending time with family and friends is kinda priceless. It's all deserving of its own blog post, so for now I'll leave with - once more with feeling - 

It's ok to not be ok.