Christmas Favorites

Merry Christmas, y'all! I've been back on Texas soil for a little over a week now and have enjoyed every minute - even the 20 minutes spent trying to get out of a parking garage at North Park Mall in Dallas this Monday.

In honor of the day, here are a few of my new and old Christmas favorites:

Bonus! Because it's super important and because including Matt Chandler explaining how Fox News is wrong makes my heart happy.

To Christmas and Jesus,

To Make His Name Great

So...what are you going to do?

A common question people have asked me while back at home this summer.

Kinda vague-sounding, but I completely understand what they're implying.

What (in the heck) am I going to do with my life after I graduate?

That can become a very heavy question very quickly. Think "cartoon spiral of doom" style. Here, let me sum it up for you with some gifs real quick -

My go-to answer is always something along the lines of - "Well, God made it very clear that London was the choice for me a year ago, so I'm counting on that happening again." Truthfully though, I think that's a bit of a cop-out. Not to say that it's untrue, but it oversimplifies some very complex situations and (more importantly) gives me way too much credit in implying that I will automatically trust God with His decision.

But people (most people) don't want a whole blog post for an answer. They want to hear- "I'm going to teach" or "I'm going to Hollywood to make it as a big time movie star" or "I'm marrying this English Baron I've been seeing and am going to live out the remainder of my life as closely to that of a Disney princess as possible."

Then a couple of days ago, I listened to David Smoak's interview of backup Baylor RB Silas Nacita. I would encourage everyone to give it a listen here, but I understand that not all of my tens of devoted blog readers bleed green and gold like myself, so let me give you some quick background info. 

Silas transferred from Cornell to come play at BU last year and found out last minute that his financial aid hadn't come through. He spent the whole year taking community college classes online - just scraping by and hoping for the chance that this year he would be back with his team. 

Thankfully, he is. Not only is he doing really well (three TDs so far this season) but he's also amassed quite the following from the Baylor community due to one of the best player nicknames I've ever heard. Go due yourself a favor and search #salsanacho on Twitter.

I googled "salsa nacho gif" and this is what the internet gave me.
Thank you once again for never letting me down, internet.

The whole interview is amazing (seriously, take ten minutes and listen) but this one particular question and answer towards the end is just something else.

DS: You score that touchdown against SMU. Does it feel like- it's all worth it at that point?

SN: I don't think it was about coming here and making a name for myself. I think what God taught me was that it wasn't about ever getting back to Baylor. It wasn't about coming here and scoring touchdowns and making my name famous. It was about understanding where I could be joyful in my life regardless if I had football, if I had school, if I had all the things that I wanted. It was about finding joy in life and it was really in Him. He gave me that joy to where I didn't need all this stuff and so when I did get here and when I am gonna be a part of it, it'll never be about me. It'll always be about somebody greater or somebody else. So I think that, just to be able to score a touchdown...it's just a "thank you, God."

Cut to a few days later. I'm listening to the first of Matt Chandler's sermons in his new series called "A Beautiful Design." Lucky for me, the Village put up the perfect 2 minute clip of it on their YouTube channel -

We were created by a creator. Which means - this is gonna sting a little bit - we are not the measure of anything...Just to be more direct and straight with you since we have this strong relationship -

You're not the point. 

I'm not the point.

We're not the point.

In the expanse of the universe, even though we have a special place in the creative order...you and I as created beings are not the point - The creator's the point.

And I'll tell you why this rubs us the wrong way- we wanna be the point.

I do. I want to be the point so badly sometimes.

When I think about that question of "what are you going to do?" my mind easily translates it to "what kind of name are you going to make for yourself?" I think of all the ways I might be successful, all the ways I might fail, what jobs I'll get, what city I'll live in, on and on. The entertainment industry strives on self. Yes, theatre is a collaborative art form (and I love it for that) but the culture of these "I'm gonna make it big" cities is very "me, myself, and I" based. How can I make my name great? It's so easy to slip into that, to want that, to work for that. 

Silas could so easily turn his story into a "look at everything I've done" moment and no one would fault him. But instead he did the complete opposite. His answer broke my heart in all the best ways. That humility is...well, humbling.

Ultimately, no matter how much I love performing, I have to have that same conviction that Silas does. To borrow from his words- I want to be joyful in my life regardless of if I have theatre, if I find the perfect job, get the perfect role, get any role. I want to find joy in life through Christ so that if I am ever "successful" - I'll already know that it isn't about me. As Chandler eloquently reinforced, it'll never be about me. It's about my creator.

So...what am I going to do?

Whatever the year after grad school brings me (even if no touchdown equivalents are involved) I want to be able to say "thank you, God" with my full heart. That's my prayer.

I fly back to London on Wednesday. It's been a wonderful summer, Texas.

To making it about Him,

p.s. - If you want to see all of Matt's sermon, it's available here to watch or listen to.

Term 2

One of my friends mentioned off-hand that she was impatiently awaiting my next blog post.

That's for you, Hannah.

Truthfully, I've been trying to blog about something - anything - for a while now. Sometimes there are so many thoughts, emotions, and general things clogging up your brain it's hard to formulate a few sensible paragraphs.

#classic

To put it simply, Term 2 was very different from Term 1.

Harder in good and not-always-good ways.

A little less like a fairytale and a little more like real life.

Still crazy, remember-this-when-you're-eighty kind of fun, but now more fully framed within the heaviness of this world's brokenness.

About a week and a half before I was due to fly to Texas, I found myself (mostly unsuccessfully) attempting to not have a breakdown during rehearsal. Luckily our director Robin is one of the most compassionate, patient men I've ever worked with and understood (even better than me at the time) how multiple things had been piling up on top of me.

My whole life, I've always strived to be the one who has it all together. Being dependable- the one who everyone can always go to- that's a source of pride for me. The past few months, the Lord has patiently and graciously been showing me that in fact I am nowhere close to having it all together.

And- spoiler alert- I never will.

And that's ok.

One of my favorite sayings that I would hear Chandler say over and over at The Village was "it's ok to not be ok." Somewhere along this overseas journey, I packed that little sentence away and forgot about it. The struggle for perfection took hold. The need to be a steadfast rock of an adult began emptying me into a shell of insecurities.

As I was apologizing over and over that Wednesday afternoon in the studio, Robin just kept saying, "It's ok. It's ok. It's ok." I guess he triggered my memory.

It's ok to not be ok.

I missed two funerals in less than two months. I knew I wouldn't be able to complete those grieving processes until I touched Texas soil. That weight influenced me in ways I couldn't really quantify.

There were other factors too. Body images issues. Fear of the future. Apathy. I'm still struggling with all these areas in one way or another. And - say it with me now - it's ok. God's goodness and grace will cover my insecurities and doubts. Some day I hope to be able to fully stand in that truth. Until then, I'll just keep working on being ok with not being ok.

For now, there's Texas.

Whew. Despite all of the above, I pinky-promise that I'm still having the time of my life and wouldn't trade it for anything. I don't have to prove it to you, dearest internets, but I will because going back through these pictures makes my heart full.

In the past term...

...I saw exciting, funny, well-done theatre.

....I continued to make memories with some of the best classmates a gal could ask for. This includes hosting a superbowl party lasting until 5 in the morning, giving europeans their first Rice Krispie treat & Cheddar Bay biscuit experience, watching oodles of Sochi Olympic coverage, taking a Jack the Ripper walking tour on Valentines day, and just generally loving being in the company of such lovely and talented people.

...I fell even more in love with this city.

...I was assured that I have the best flatmate in the history of flatmates. If I want evidence of God's blessings in my life, I have to look no further to the girl who travels twenty minutes on the tube to get me a diet coke the day my grandma passed or walks down to the pharmacy to get me medicine when I can't on my own or stays up until 5 am with me laughing and watching YouTube videos. She loves with fear or judgement and I'm so thankful for that.

Texas has been a wonderful respite so far. My soul breathes deeper around fields of bluebonnets and endlessly sunny skies. Plus, spending time with family and friends is kinda priceless. It's all deserving of its own blog post, so for now I'll leave with - once more with feeling - 

It's ok to not be ok.

All the Single Ladies

Let's begin with a disclaimer: I have no idea what this post will turn into. (I can almost guarantee some rambling though.) This is for several reasons:

A. I'm not sure what I can share with my close circle of friends the internet.

2: Even if I am comfortable with discussing certain things, the brain molecules in my head don't always form the necessary phrases in the correct order to make my ideas coherent. For an example of this, please see the previous sentence.

III - I don't have any real answers to anything that happens past this point (or let's be honest, before it).

Alright, shall we begin with what I believe to be the most depressing Buzzfeed "article" in existence? Please take approximately 47 seconds to "read" up on 18 Reasons Being Single During the Holidays is Pretty Great. 

"No, really, you love being alone, you know you do, you LOVE it-  WHY AREN'T YOU LOVING IT LIKE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO. YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG."

Ehh, Kevin's performance is a bit understated. Ron Swanson can help me out.

Or maybe Emperor Joaquin Phoenix-

Sorry, I got distracted by gifs. It's not the first time and it'll probably happen again in this post. As Scar would say- Be Prepared. (#firstDisneyreference)

For our second reading, here's a new gem from Pastor Mark Driscoll. 

Alright, just one gif this time, yeah?

Articles like these seem to pop up more and more around the holidays. Or maybe our mistletoe-marred minds just choose to subconsciously highlight them because...I don't know...science or brain demons. One of the two.

I also have recently come back to Texas after some time abroad and everyone wants to know the name of the perfect English gentleman that surely I have found in the literally twelve weeks that was my first semester of grad school in which I was in class from 9-6 all day.

Oh well yes, his name is Sir Lord Squire Nigel Buckminster, Duke of Hertfordshire-upon-Shaftsbury. You see- it was raining in Hyde Park and I had forgotten my umbrella (just like a tourist). I looked up and there he was- offering his yellow umbrella to share. I of course made the obvious How I Met Your Mother reference and then he asked if we should start our own situational-comedy together. Just like the first rule of improv, I screamed, "YES, LET'S!" So now we're thinking June wedding. Since we haven't been able to decide between Westminster and St. Paul's for the service, we're leaving it up to my hoards of blog readers to vote. Do that right now, here! 

I've always said that the best defense mechanism is a sarcastic story punctuated with a cat gif.

In truth, I've recently had several wonderful, heartfelt, difficult conversations with trusted friends that I didn't eye-roll my way out of. You see, as a:

• post-undergrad 
• Christian 
• female 
• from the south

...this is a pressure that never completely goes away. That's just an honest reality. You can choose to ignore it or lock it in a box tucked far back underneath all your other junk, but it's still there.

So here are some current facts of my life:

1. I would not be where I am today if I were not single. If I had gotten married out of college or was engaged this summer or even in a serious relationship, I'm very certain that I would not have had the strength to leave Texas. I mean, Texas itself is a hard enough relationship to leave. If a man of God who loved me were thrown into that situation as well, the Atlantic would have been a much bigger hurdle to cross.

2. I know where I am today is absolutely part of God's plan for my life. Learning from East 15, living in London, expanding my world view- I'm incredibly grateful for those things and would not ask to trade them for another reality.

3. There are lots of times when I love being single. My two weeks working at the Globe would be an excellent example of that kind of time period. I was completely and utterly fulfilled, spent up, invested, content. It's nice to be selfish and focus all your energy/attention on you. I'm an actor after all, so we do that pretty well already.

4. There are chunks of time when...well, let's let Charlotte communicate my feelings:

5. When on both sides of the spectrum, I have felt both extremely close to and far away from God.

I've done a not-horrible job at trusting God in other areas of my life. I left the best job and most amazing community behind in DFW, but never really questioned the decision to go. It felt absolutely like the right thing to do and still does. But for many reasons, this area of life is just too precious, too disconcerting for me to surrender to him. Why is that? No seriously- why?

Maybe it's the undermining pieces of "wisdom" I've had shouted in my face whispered in my ear for years. Advice that might mean well or come from a good place, but actually creates a major fault-line in any semblance of trust you have. You know the kind.

"As soon as you're content with Jesus, he'll show up." 

"Once God is finally enough for you, then He'll send you a man."

"A girl has to be so lost in Jesus that a man must seek Him to find her."

Excuse me WHAT.

You can repeat Jeremiah 29:11 to yourself all day every day, but if you've got crap like that swirling around in your mind- pfff. Good luck.

These things are hurtful (and some unbiblical) for a myriad of reasons, but I'll save some time and just list a few:

1. They automatically put a judgement on your relationship with your Creator. There's an almost outright accusation that you are not good enough as you currently are. Especially if a married person is telling you this, they're basically saying they've leveled-up in Christianity while you still can't even defeat Baby Bowser.
   

   

   The most ferocious of all Mario bosses, I think

2. They imply some sort of weird reward system. Like, if somehow you just pray for enough hours a day, never skip your quiet time, go to seven bible studies a week, always raise your hands during worship, then God will answer you.
3. They give off this air of a husband being the ultimate end-game in life. Your mature faith leads to the grand-supreme ultimate honor of...wifedom?
4. Similarly to #2, they imply that God has promised these things to us. 

Despite what some very popular mega-churches might tell you (cough cough Joel Osteen) being a Christian doesn't guarantee an easy life where you get every job, person, and success you desire:

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.   -James 1:2-3

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.   -1st Peter 1:13

So the testing of faith produces steadfastness...not all your dreams come true plus a trip to Disneyland. Our hope should be in the promise and sacrifice of Christ...not everything we think we "need."

But doesn't God want me to be happy? Well..kinda? God is not directly after my happiness, he's after my joy. Those two things are very different. I remember Matt Chandler telling a story one weekend about how his young daughter had been throwing up with some virus all night long. The next morning she had been feeling a little better and wanted to eat the rest of her Halloween candy. Matt of course had to deny her and she was really upset. In the moment, after being sick all night, she was sure of the only thing that would make her feel better and couldn't understand why her dad (who loved her so much) would say no to her. Ultimately, Matt made the more loving choice for her and her well-being.

The season I'm currently in is overflowing with joy - there are moments where I literally feel as if I'm bubbling over with a zest and zeal that I've never experienced before. The road to this season, however, was paved with times of unhappiness where I couldn't understand why the Lord wasn't answering me. Through hindsight, I'm just starting to see the many loving and gracious ways God was taking care of me.

I know that a man can't and won't save me. Jesus already did that and is continuing to and will continue to. The moments I understand this in the core of my being are moments I treasure. Standing on the Globe stage, I saw - I felt - so clearly God's grace and provision in bringing me to that moment. I wish I could bottle that clarity up and tote it around with me to take a sip when needed. Because some days, you just need a little reassurance that you won't be sending out a Christmas card at age 50 of you with a bunch of cats.

Some day I will regret making this. Not today though.

So, in conclusion...? Despite cat-bombing myself, I'm not jaded as I may seem. I'm just realizing that there is no easy, quick-fix answer to this. And as a sentient being, that frustrates the hell out of me.

But I still love Disney movies. I'll always love Disney movies.

Still flawed theology, but it's better than "Someday My Prince Will Come"

I'll end this promised rambling with a song and a scripture, both of which have helped bring my heart back into focus several times.

For whoever reads this- classmates, random Facebook friends, MOM- I hope you know how much God cares for you. He rejoices with you, laughs with you, weeps with you. We could all be reminded of that more.

To the joy of seasons,