All the Single Ladies

Let's begin with a disclaimer: I have no idea what this post will turn into. (I can almost guarantee some rambling though.) This is for several reasons:

A. I'm not sure what I can share with my close circle of friends the internet.

2: Even if I am comfortable with discussing certain things, the brain molecules in my head don't always form the necessary phrases in the correct order to make my ideas coherent. For an example of this, please see the previous sentence.

III - I don't have any real answers to anything that happens past this point (or let's be honest, before it).

Alright, shall we begin with what I believe to be the most depressing Buzzfeed "article" in existence? Please take approximately 47 seconds to "read" up on 18 Reasons Being Single During the Holidays is Pretty Great. 

"No, really, you love being alone, you know you do, you LOVE it-  WHY AREN'T YOU LOVING IT LIKE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO. YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG."

Ehh, Kevin's performance is a bit understated. Ron Swanson can help me out.

Or maybe Emperor Joaquin Phoenix-

Sorry, I got distracted by gifs. It's not the first time and it'll probably happen again in this post. As Scar would say- Be Prepared. (#firstDisneyreference)

For our second reading, here's a new gem from Pastor Mark Driscoll. 

Alright, just one gif this time, yeah?

Articles like these seem to pop up more and more around the holidays. Or maybe our mistletoe-marred minds just choose to subconsciously highlight them because...I don't know...science or brain demons. One of the two.

I also have recently come back to Texas after some time abroad and everyone wants to know the name of the perfect English gentleman that surely I have found in the literally twelve weeks that was my first semester of grad school in which I was in class from 9-6 all day.

Oh well yes, his name is Sir Lord Squire Nigel Buckminster, Duke of Hertfordshire-upon-Shaftsbury. You see- it was raining in Hyde Park and I had forgotten my umbrella (just like a tourist). I looked up and there he was- offering his yellow umbrella to share. I of course made the obvious How I Met Your Mother reference and then he asked if we should start our own situational-comedy together. Just like the first rule of improv, I screamed, "YES, LET'S!" So now we're thinking June wedding. Since we haven't been able to decide between Westminster and St. Paul's for the service, we're leaving it up to my hoards of blog readers to vote. Do that right now, here! 

I've always said that the best defense mechanism is a sarcastic story punctuated with a cat gif.

In truth, I've recently had several wonderful, heartfelt, difficult conversations with trusted friends that I didn't eye-roll my way out of. You see, as a:

• post-undergrad 
• Christian 
• female 
• from the south

...this is a pressure that never completely goes away. That's just an honest reality. You can choose to ignore it or lock it in a box tucked far back underneath all your other junk, but it's still there.

So here are some current facts of my life:

1. I would not be where I am today if I were not single. If I had gotten married out of college or was engaged this summer or even in a serious relationship, I'm very certain that I would not have had the strength to leave Texas. I mean, Texas itself is a hard enough relationship to leave. If a man of God who loved me were thrown into that situation as well, the Atlantic would have been a much bigger hurdle to cross.

2. I know where I am today is absolutely part of God's plan for my life. Learning from East 15, living in London, expanding my world view- I'm incredibly grateful for those things and would not ask to trade them for another reality.

3. There are lots of times when I love being single. My two weeks working at the Globe would be an excellent example of that kind of time period. I was completely and utterly fulfilled, spent up, invested, content. It's nice to be selfish and focus all your energy/attention on you. I'm an actor after all, so we do that pretty well already.

4. There are chunks of time when...well, let's let Charlotte communicate my feelings:

5. When on both sides of the spectrum, I have felt both extremely close to and far away from God.

I've done a not-horrible job at trusting God in other areas of my life. I left the best job and most amazing community behind in DFW, but never really questioned the decision to go. It felt absolutely like the right thing to do and still does. But for many reasons, this area of life is just too precious, too disconcerting for me to surrender to him. Why is that? No seriously- why?

Maybe it's the undermining pieces of "wisdom" I've had shouted in my face whispered in my ear for years. Advice that might mean well or come from a good place, but actually creates a major fault-line in any semblance of trust you have. You know the kind.

"As soon as you're content with Jesus, he'll show up." 

"Once God is finally enough for you, then He'll send you a man."

"A girl has to be so lost in Jesus that a man must seek Him to find her."

Excuse me WHAT.

You can repeat Jeremiah 29:11 to yourself all day every day, but if you've got crap like that swirling around in your mind- pfff. Good luck.

These things are hurtful (and some unbiblical) for a myriad of reasons, but I'll save some time and just list a few:

1. They automatically put a judgement on your relationship with your Creator. There's an almost outright accusation that you are not good enough as you currently are. Especially if a married person is telling you this, they're basically saying they've leveled-up in Christianity while you still can't even defeat Baby Bowser.
   

   

   The most ferocious of all Mario bosses, I think

2. They imply some sort of weird reward system. Like, if somehow you just pray for enough hours a day, never skip your quiet time, go to seven bible studies a week, always raise your hands during worship, then God will answer you.
3. They give off this air of a husband being the ultimate end-game in life. Your mature faith leads to the grand-supreme ultimate honor of...wifedom?
4. Similarly to #2, they imply that God has promised these things to us. 

Despite what some very popular mega-churches might tell you (cough cough Joel Osteen) being a Christian doesn't guarantee an easy life where you get every job, person, and success you desire:

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.   -James 1:2-3

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.   -1st Peter 1:13

So the testing of faith produces steadfastness...not all your dreams come true plus a trip to Disneyland. Our hope should be in the promise and sacrifice of Christ...not everything we think we "need."

But doesn't God want me to be happy? Well..kinda? God is not directly after my happiness, he's after my joy. Those two things are very different. I remember Matt Chandler telling a story one weekend about how his young daughter had been throwing up with some virus all night long. The next morning she had been feeling a little better and wanted to eat the rest of her Halloween candy. Matt of course had to deny her and she was really upset. In the moment, after being sick all night, she was sure of the only thing that would make her feel better and couldn't understand why her dad (who loved her so much) would say no to her. Ultimately, Matt made the more loving choice for her and her well-being.

The season I'm currently in is overflowing with joy - there are moments where I literally feel as if I'm bubbling over with a zest and zeal that I've never experienced before. The road to this season, however, was paved with times of unhappiness where I couldn't understand why the Lord wasn't answering me. Through hindsight, I'm just starting to see the many loving and gracious ways God was taking care of me.

I know that a man can't and won't save me. Jesus already did that and is continuing to and will continue to. The moments I understand this in the core of my being are moments I treasure. Standing on the Globe stage, I saw - I felt - so clearly God's grace and provision in bringing me to that moment. I wish I could bottle that clarity up and tote it around with me to take a sip when needed. Because some days, you just need a little reassurance that you won't be sending out a Christmas card at age 50 of you with a bunch of cats.

Some day I will regret making this. Not today though.

So, in conclusion...? Despite cat-bombing myself, I'm not jaded as I may seem. I'm just realizing that there is no easy, quick-fix answer to this. And as a sentient being, that frustrates the hell out of me.

But I still love Disney movies. I'll always love Disney movies.

Still flawed theology, but it's better than "Someday My Prince Will Come"

I'll end this promised rambling with a song and a scripture, both of which have helped bring my heart back into focus several times.

For whoever reads this- classmates, random Facebook friends, MOM- I hope you know how much God cares for you. He rejoices with you, laughs with you, weeps with you. We could all be reminded of that more.

To the joy of seasons,