Term 2

One of my friends mentioned off-hand that she was impatiently awaiting my next blog post.

That's for you, Hannah.

Truthfully, I've been trying to blog about something - anything - for a while now. Sometimes there are so many thoughts, emotions, and general things clogging up your brain it's hard to formulate a few sensible paragraphs.

#classic

To put it simply, Term 2 was very different from Term 1.

Harder in good and not-always-good ways.

A little less like a fairytale and a little more like real life.

Still crazy, remember-this-when-you're-eighty kind of fun, but now more fully framed within the heaviness of this world's brokenness.

About a week and a half before I was due to fly to Texas, I found myself (mostly unsuccessfully) attempting to not have a breakdown during rehearsal. Luckily our director Robin is one of the most compassionate, patient men I've ever worked with and understood (even better than me at the time) how multiple things had been piling up on top of me.

My whole life, I've always strived to be the one who has it all together. Being dependable- the one who everyone can always go to- that's a source of pride for me. The past few months, the Lord has patiently and graciously been showing me that in fact I am nowhere close to having it all together.

And- spoiler alert- I never will.

And that's ok.

One of my favorite sayings that I would hear Chandler say over and over at The Village was "it's ok to not be ok." Somewhere along this overseas journey, I packed that little sentence away and forgot about it. The struggle for perfection took hold. The need to be a steadfast rock of an adult began emptying me into a shell of insecurities.

As I was apologizing over and over that Wednesday afternoon in the studio, Robin just kept saying, "It's ok. It's ok. It's ok." I guess he triggered my memory.

It's ok to not be ok.

I missed two funerals in less than two months. I knew I wouldn't be able to complete those grieving processes until I touched Texas soil. That weight influenced me in ways I couldn't really quantify.

There were other factors too. Body images issues. Fear of the future. Apathy. I'm still struggling with all these areas in one way or another. And - say it with me now - it's ok. God's goodness and grace will cover my insecurities and doubts. Some day I hope to be able to fully stand in that truth. Until then, I'll just keep working on being ok with not being ok.

For now, there's Texas.

Whew. Despite all of the above, I pinky-promise that I'm still having the time of my life and wouldn't trade it for anything. I don't have to prove it to you, dearest internets, but I will because going back through these pictures makes my heart full.

In the past term...

...I saw exciting, funny, well-done theatre.

....I continued to make memories with some of the best classmates a gal could ask for. This includes hosting a superbowl party lasting until 5 in the morning, giving europeans their first Rice Krispie treat & Cheddar Bay biscuit experience, watching oodles of Sochi Olympic coverage, taking a Jack the Ripper walking tour on Valentines day, and just generally loving being in the company of such lovely and talented people.

...I fell even more in love with this city.

...I was assured that I have the best flatmate in the history of flatmates. If I want evidence of God's blessings in my life, I have to look no further to the girl who travels twenty minutes on the tube to get me a diet coke the day my grandma passed or walks down to the pharmacy to get me medicine when I can't on my own or stays up until 5 am with me laughing and watching YouTube videos. She loves with fear or judgement and I'm so thankful for that.

Texas has been a wonderful respite so far. My soul breathes deeper around fields of bluebonnets and endlessly sunny skies. Plus, spending time with family and friends is kinda priceless. It's all deserving of its own blog post, so for now I'll leave with - once more with feeling - 

It's ok to not be ok.

Texas, I Miss You: A List

Though I initially wasn't planning for it, I'm going home for spring break. Since we're on a three term system over here, our spring break is later and longer than those in the US. So in less than two weeks I will find myself back again on Texas soil for a whole fortnight. (Yes. I said fortnight.)

Now, I absolutely love London. The UK is a wonderful place to live, but it's just not quite home. (Not yet, anyway.) So in anticipation, I thought I would share a list of all the little things this Texan misses the most about her native land.

1. Diet DP

A fresh fountain Diet Dr. Pepper from Chick-fil-a or Whataburger is just the most delicious poison I allow myself to drink on the regular. Have I mentioned that Dr. Pepper was invented in my hometown? If not, you haven't been paying close enough attention. I say that at least once a month. 

Speaking of Whataburger…

2. Whataburger

This food will be available in heaven. I'm certain of it. Also along the food lines...

3. Delicious Mexican/Tex-Mex food

 

Fuzzy's, Rusty, Torchy's Tacos - I love them all despite their very questionable choices for restaurant naming. 

Ok, just one more food thing…

4. Real bacon

In the UK, they have this stuff called "streaky bacon." Now at the end of the day, it's meat from a pig, so I probably won't turn my nose up at it…but it's just not the real thing. 

5. Driving

You have to drive everywhere in Texas. I know how bad that is for the environment, but when things are twenty miles minimum away - it's just a fact. You don't realize how personal and important that little bit of space is until you never have it anymore. Driving to work or an audition or wherever was such an important preparation for my day. It got me ready to face the world in some kind of way. 

Plus…I like to sing. Singing in my car doesn't bother anyone. I can wail along to TSwift (not ashamed) and all is right with the world. I miss that.

6. Sporting events I understand/care about

 

Ok, so first off, yes, you can be a fan of both professional baseball teams in Texas. Second off, I think the Astros should only ever play in vintage rainbow uniforms. Thirdly- sic 'em bearrrrrrs.

The sports here are…different. Rugby is legitimately crazy. Did you know they show curling on TV at times that are not the Olympics? Don't even get me started on the mess that is cricket. Soccer- excuse me, football- is fine, but I prefer games where 2-0 isn't a blow out. (I make an exception for hockey, because that sport is epic.)

7. Unified door opening/closing directions

Due to unfortunate events that happened in the US several decades ago, practically all doors in public spaces have to open outward. This means when you walk up to a store, you just pull toward you. No biggie. 

Well, things aren't that simple in the UK. Sometimes you pull, sometimes you push. Most of the time, Jenny looks like a hilarious dweeb who never learned the basic lesson of HOW TO ENTER A ROOM. I swear sometimes it takes me three tries. Think about that- three tries. Doors in London do not like me.

8. Stores with legit opening hours

We get out of class at 6:10. Eighty percent of the stores on our high street close at 6. SIX. I mean, luckily we have the kebab and chicken place open until 11 for emergencies, but if you need to pick up some green beans or cold medicine or laundry detergent- sorry. Only available to grad students on the weekends, evidently. There is one 24 hour grocery store located twenty minutes and seven tube stops away if you're desperate though. Have fun with that.

9. Stores I love

 

What red-blooded American girl doesn't love strolling down the aisles of Target with absolutely no purpose at hand?

None of these little things compare to the big ones - my family, my friends, my dear strange cat Zorro. I'm ready for their hugs, laughter, and crinkly-eyed smiles. That's what really makes Texas home.

To prove my love for London at some point I'm sure I'll have to do an opposite-style follow-up to this post. Truth be told- there are many things I prefer over here! These are just the things that a Texan's mind dwells on when they get homesick. Luckily, I'll have all these things in my sight (plus much more) soon enough! 

To Texas,