Though I initially wasn't planning for it, I'm going home for spring break. Since we're on a three term system over here, our spring break is later and longer than those in the US. So in less than two weeks I will find myself back again on Texas soil for a whole fortnight. (Yes. I said fortnight.)
Now, I absolutely love London. The UK is a wonderful place to live, but it's just not quite home. (Not yet, anyway.) So in anticipation, I thought I would share a list of all the little things this Texan misses the most about her native land.
1. Diet DP
A fresh fountain Diet Dr. Pepper from Chick-fil-a or Whataburger is just the most delicious poison I allow myself to drink on the regular. Have I mentioned that Dr. Pepper was invented in my hometown? If not, you haven't been paying close enough attention. I say that at least once a month.
Speaking of Whataburger…
2. Whataburger
This food will be available in heaven. I'm certain of it. Also along the food lines...
3. Delicious Mexican/Tex-Mex food
Fuzzy's, Rusty, Torchy's Tacos - I love them all despite their very questionable choices for restaurant naming.
Ok, just one more food thing…
4. Real bacon
In the UK, they have this stuff called "streaky bacon." Now at the end of the day, it's meat from a pig, so I probably won't turn my nose up at it…but it's just not the real thing.
5. Driving
You have to drive everywhere in Texas. I know how bad that is for the environment, but when things are twenty miles minimum away - it's just a fact. You don't realize how personal and important that little bit of space is until you never have it anymore. Driving to work or an audition or wherever was such an important preparation for my day. It got me ready to face the world in some kind of way.
Plus…I like to sing. Singing in my car doesn't bother anyone. I can wail along to TSwift (not ashamed) and all is right with the world. I miss that.
6. Sporting events I understand/care about
Ok, so first off, yes, you can be a fan of both professional baseball teams in Texas. Second off, I think the Astros should only ever play in vintage rainbow uniforms. Thirdly- sic 'em bearrrrrrs.
The sports here are…different. Rugby is legitimately crazy. Did you know they show curling on TV at times that are not the Olympics? Don't even get me started on the mess that is cricket. Soccer- excuse me, football- is fine, but I prefer games where 2-0 isn't a blow out. (I make an exception for hockey, because that sport is epic.)
7. Unified door opening/closing directions
Due to unfortunate events that happened in the US several decades ago, practically all doors in public spaces have to open outward. This means when you walk up to a store, you just pull toward you. No biggie.
Well, things aren't that simple in the UK. Sometimes you pull, sometimes you push. Most of the time, Jenny looks like a hilarious dweeb who never learned the basic lesson of HOW TO ENTER A ROOM. I swear sometimes it takes me three tries. Think about that- three tries. Doors in London do not like me.
8. Stores with legit opening hours
We get out of class at 6:10. Eighty percent of the stores on our high street close at 6. SIX. I mean, luckily we have the kebab and chicken place open until 11 for emergencies, but if you need to pick up some green beans or cold medicine or laundry detergent- sorry. Only available to grad students on the weekends, evidently. There is one 24 hour grocery store located twenty minutes and seven tube stops away if you're desperate though. Have fun with that.
9. Stores I love
What red-blooded American girl doesn't love strolling down the aisles of Target with absolutely no purpose at hand?
None of these little things compare to the big ones - my family, my friends, my dear strange cat Zorro. I'm ready for their hugs, laughter, and crinkly-eyed smiles. That's what really makes Texas home.
To prove my love for London at some point I'm sure I'll have to do an opposite-style follow-up to this post. Truth be told- there are many things I prefer over here! These are just the things that a Texan's mind dwells on when they get homesick. Luckily, I'll have all these things in my sight (plus much more) soon enough!
Have you seen all my recent vlogs? Because I have been all up in the YouTube recently. Here's your own personal catch-up list, in case you've missed anything.
Katie helped me figure out all the 2014 resolutions for me to fail horribly at. (Except for the one involving sweat pants - I'm keeping that one gloriously well.)
JoJo, Katie, and I ventured into Soho one Friday to eat some classic American food at a place called The Diner. That's right- American food. In London. We just miss bacon so much.
Finally (and my personal favorite) the three of us had a day off this week. So what did we do? Figured out an acapella arrangement of my favorite Ingrid Michaelson song, of course! (If you want to hear the original, click here.)
YouTube is kinda the best. There are hilarious, intelligent, wonderful people from all over the world making great content on that site. And plus, you know...cat videos.
Wha- Why?.....How?
I think a cat gif is always a good stopping place.
Blogging Note: This post has a severe lack of sarcastic reaction gifs and actually goes into semi-depth mode. It's a mix of more acting detail than you care to know mixed with a difficult personal situation. Just know what you're getting yourself into.
I had normal class yesterday from 9 to 6, just like every Monday. We're on "priority" right now which means no skills classes, only acting. This day, I was second in our line-up of long form, opposing action character improvs.
("Jenny, what the heck did that last sentence mean?")
Let's backtrack a bit. Right now we're working on European Realism. (Must be important because I used capital letters.) We're talking about modern-ishy (1860-1910) playwrights whose work represents what we think of as the foundation of "realism" in drama. So, to name drop, I mean people like Ibsen, Chekhov, and Strindberg.
I know what you're thinking. "But is Chekhov only a realism writer, Jenny? Can you even pinhole any of those guys into a label like Realism Playwright??"
(You're not really thinking that, but I have to include it in case any drama snobs stop by this blog unexpectedly.)
Anywho- we're doing duet scenes from these dudes' classics. Think (more name-dropping now) Uncle Vanya, A Doll's House, The Seagull, Miss Julie, and my personal favorite currently...Hedda Gabler. Yes, my scene is from Hedda. No, I'm not playing Hedda. I'm playing Mrs. Elvsted. No, she is not an elf. (As a general rule, Realism = no elves.)
We started the unit with hour long, dramaturgical presentations- mine and Jamie's specifically covered Henrik Ibsen's life, Hedda in performance, and life in Norway in the 1890s. (p.s. - How many vocab points do I get for the word "dramaturgical?") We taught a folk dance whose object is to kick a hat off a stick and played a social hierarchy game involving holding cards to your forehead. Aka- we nailed it.
Next, we moved on to improvisational scenes that have allowed us to explore our characters more fully. One of these is called "opposing actions" wherein yourself and another character in the play's world have opposite goals and must negotiate with the other using as many varied tactics as possible in order to achieve their objective first. You put a setting together and talk to your partner about your shared backgrounds and such, but you plan out nothing. You have 20-30 minutes to freedom to try your hardest to get what you want.
Mrs. E is a fun character to tackle. Ibsen leaves a lot open in her backstory, but also drops great hints that give you a good direction to head in. The "obvious" choice is to play her as this timid victim, but obvious = boring. She has a bravery and strength almost completely opposite of Hedda. (Another p.s.- Read this play if you haven't ever. You can find the free Project Gutenberg translation here.)
To cut out a lot of details, Mrs. Elvsted is in a loveless, abusive marriage and has instead devoted herself to her step-children's former tutor Eilert Lovborg. (Who can resist a man named Eilert, amirite?) The dramatic action of Hedda Gabler begins after Eilert has left my house in the country for Oslo because he's "restless" and other lame excuses like that. I wanted to really get a feel for how that abandonment felt - how the one spot of light in her life extinguishing itself so quickly felt like. Also, how bold would she be in an attempt to save it? So I chose to set my scene when Eilert was leaving me...whereas I obviously wanted him to stay. Oh hey look, opposing actions!
So...here's where my normal changed a bit.
I checked Facebook very late on Sunday night (so late that it was actually very early on Monday morning). My mom had messaged me that Mammaw was not doing well. She ended up passing away quickly and peacefully that night (still mid-evening in Texas). She was 84 and in a nursing home, but had been in her normal state of health just last Thursday. So you could say it was unexpected.
I'm a Christian. Mammaw was a Christian. I'm assured of where she is - no longer in pain and rejoicing. That doesn't change the fact that you've lost someone forever, in this case my last grandparent. It doesn't change the fact that I wish I were in Texas more than anything. I want to be with my family. I want to hug my mom, my dad, my brother, my sister-in-law, my nieces, my uncle, Emily, Hannah, Janet, Jody...everyone. Basically this is my first extremely negative experience with living across an ocean and to say I don't like it would be a bit of an understatement. But it's a deal I signed up for. For all the perks that come with getting a graduate degree in London, there are also drawbacks. I'm feeling this drawback like a punch in the gut.
So how are these things connected? Well, I knew right away that I wanted to go ahead with my scene. I could have easily put it off (my professors would have probably given me the day off if I had asked) but I felt like delaying it would have made things worse. I just wanted to go. I wanted to do. I wanted to act.
Is it a form of catharsis? Free public therapy? Emotional self-abuse?
As I was grasping at Eilert that morning and begging him not to leave, some would think I was "using" my grandmother's death to make tears fall down my face. Exploiting it, you might say. For that I have two poorly-worded points:
1. Yes, this was maybe my first true experience with having to deal with real emotional distress before going onstage, but...that's life. If I want to do this as a career, it won't be the last time it happens. How do you deal with that as a professional in theatre world? You know that whole "show must go on" thing? At some point, that very stereotypical saying will apply.
2. This scene about a lover leaving my character shouldn't involve my current personal emotional state of losing a loved one.
One point our professors drive home again and again is playing your actions onstage versus your emotions. Deciding to just act scared or happy or anxious makes it all about you (which actors love to do) and leaves the stage empty of any driving force. Imagine if every character onstage was totally wrapped up solely in their own inner emotions. That is an extremely angsty and boring play.
Instead- you focus on your tactics and objectives. What do you want from that other person and how are you going to get it? In my case, how could I guilt, tempt, entertain, push (on and on) Eilert into making him stay? Concentrating on doing something to your scene partner instead of how you feel in the moment makes for a much more interesting and psychologically-healthy piece of drama.
So yes, I came into the space in a certain emotional state - one that wasn't the easiest to deal with - but I kept a handle on myself by keeping my attention on Eilert. In the end, I had a journey in which I didn't just become a blubbering wreck and I discovered some new things about Mrs. Elvsted. That's all I can ask for.
I know that Mammaw loved the fact that I'm over here pursuing this dream. I know she would have wanted me to keep doing the thing that I love.
She always called me her fellow "July fly" because of our shared birthday month. She was sweet, gentle, caring- everything a little girl should have in a grandmother while growing up. She did more for my mom (and so then in turn me) than I'll ever really know.
Most of all, Mammaw loved me and was proud of me. That's all I could have asked for.
God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
It seems a little silly to do a "2013 Wrap-up" kind of post, but I'm not sure why. It's very stereotypical, but as I sit in Starbucks typing on my Mac in my leggings, Ugg boots, and sorority fleece, that aspect isn't bothering me for some reason.
Yes, I know George Clooney is judging that previous sentence.
Maybe it's the fact that my entire year has felt like a wrap-up?
The process of (secretly) auditioning for grad school, getting in, actually saying yes to that adventure, keeping the secret for months, finally telling everyone, packing up my classroom, promising students I would send them postcards, moving out of my first adult apartment, driving away from DFW, leaving my family and Texas, starting a new chapter, falling head over heels for London, performing at the Globe, finishing my first term, getting emotional over saying goodbye to my classmates and new city for just a few weeks, coming home, seeing how much my nieces have grown, reconnecting with old friends, spending time with my whole family....it's all felt like conclusion after conclusion. A little epilogue that began in early January and snowballed down the hill to fill up the rest of my 2013.
There are lots of big obvious 2013 moments I'll never forget. The thing is- y'all know all those. There's blog post after blog post devoted to them. For some reason, when bringing up these experiences now I imagine my tens upon tens of loyal readers to be slightly...over it.
The thing is, there are smaller moments too- just as important as any of those big ones. In fact, sometimes the little things stick with you in more tangible ways. And no, I haven't written whole blog posts over them. Here are a few of those little 2013 moments and what they meant to me:
Potential
I'm not big on selfies (no really, go check my instagram - we're talking less than five total) but as I was riding the tube Wednesday morning, January 23rd to audition at East 15, this picture needed to be taken.
Bittersweet
One of my coworkers snapped this picture right after the school was told that I was leaving. It was an end-of-school pep rally of sorts and afterwards two of my absolute favorite students came up to me with tears streaming down their faces. These were two fourth grade girls who were a part of my audition-based girls dance team. Missing their final fifth grade year was a heavy burden on my heart. I could barely say "I love you" before they both hugged me for half a minute. It ended with smiles and reassurance, but my goodness it felt like someone was literally pulling on my heartstrings.
Joy
As soon as I snapped the pic of my two nieces the day Chandler was born, it automatically reminded me of this one of Clay and I. Trouble was, no one else could remember it. I was determined to be proved not-crazy, so I went digging through the OVER TWENTY photo albums buried in our den cabinets. As soon as I found the picture, I couldn't wipe the grin off of my face. These two pictures paired next to each other will never not make me smile.
Gospel-centered community
My DFW church The Village uses this concept of "gospel-centered" heavily in its mission statement. Never ever have I experienced such a Christ-centered, healthy relationships as I have with the people I met there. This was taken the morning after Jody and I spent the night at Hannah's- the last time we would see each other before I left for London. It's another bittersweet moment of course, but mostly when I look at it now I see the magnitude of grace and faithfulness these two have shown me in just a few short years.
Faithfulness
JoJo and I had plans to make a Christmas card to mail to all our friends and family around the world, but time and money got in the way, so instead we just put the pictures up for all our Facebook friends to enjoy. The blessings of both having this girl as a flatmate and the ability to even take Christmas pictures on the Millennium Bridge before rehearsal at the Globe perfectly encapsulate God's faithfulness for me this year.
Love
Let's be honest, my parents would have preferred me not to move to London. Their single daughter moving overseas was not high on their "Wants of 2013" list. But they love me. A lot. So my mom traveled to London three times during the year with me during the whole process. (This is us at the top of the Shard in July.) The sacrifice and care my parents have shown me throughout my life and this year continually amazes me. Without their support, getting where I am today would be near impossible.
Okay, enough of a look back. Here's to looking forward- new year, here we come!
Not to worry- I've worked off approximately 15% of all that food via the Cotton Belt Trail in McGregor. That thing is way prettier than the smell emanating from the adjacent city dump would have you believe.
I've also caught up with friends, mentors, coworkers, students, sorority sisters, and one very emotionally-needy kitty.
After spending a few days in DFW and approximately 36 hours in East Texas to visit my dad's family, I was finally able to settle in for a Waco Christmas. Some of my favorite pictures from the day:
My aunt painted this for my two sweet nieces. She knows the King family well.
Speaking of, Chandler is SUCH a happy baby.
My aunt always slips a new ornament onto our tree for us to find later. Very sneaky!
Literally every member of the family received a Baylor gift. Mine ended up being all in black. No complaints here.
Mom's cross stitching: going strong for 26 years. #quality
My friend John and I went to look at Christmas lights later that night. We traveled through the rich people neighborhoods, but didn't get to the super great tacky stuff until we got back towards Woodway.
I mean obviously I am a fan of any Baylor-themed Christmas lights, but I wanna see a yard where I think your December electric bill must be at least 300 dollars.
Thankfully, Wooded Crest Drive never disappoints.
And just in case you ever start to lose faith in humanity, here's a video of Chandler discovering tissue paper.
Luke 2:19 is not the norm for a favorite Christmas verse, but it has always captured my attention. I love how it breaks the flow of the language and makes the narrative very personal all of a sudden. We've just had heavenly hosts filling the sky and who knows how many shepherds bursting into this barn and you know those sheep had to be bleating up a storm. It's the most beautiful, chaotic celebration swiftly contrasted with this verse of pure stillness, silence, and gratitude. How fitting for the moments after Christ's arrival to be filled with both things.
I hope your holiday was as great a reminder of your blessings as mine was. To the last days of 2013!
Let's begin with a disclaimer: I have no idea what this post will turn into. (I can almost guarantee some rambling though.) This is for several reasons:
A. I'm not sure what I can share with my close circle of friends the internet.
2: Even if I am comfortable with discussing certain things, the brain molecules in my head don't always form the necessary phrases in the correct order to make my ideas coherent. For an example of this, please see the previous sentence.
III - I don't have any real answers to anything that happens past this point (or let's be honest, before it).
"No, really, you love being alone, you know you do, you LOVE it- WHY AREN'T YOU LOVING IT LIKE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO. YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG."
Ehh, Kevin's performance is a bit understated. Ron Swanson can help me out.
Or maybe Emperor Joaquin Phoenix-
Sorry, I got distracted by gifs. It's not the first time and it'll probably happen again in this post. As Scar would say- Be Prepared. (#firstDisneyreference)
Articles like these seem to pop up more and more around the holidays. Or maybe our mistletoe-marred minds just choose to subconsciously highlight them because...I don't know...science or brain demons. One of the two.
I also have recently come back to Texas after some time abroad and everyone wants to know the name of the perfect English gentleman that surely I have found in the literally twelve weeks that was my first semester of grad school in which I was in class from 9-6 all day.
Oh well yes, his name is Sir Lord Squire Nigel Buckminster, Duke of Hertfordshire-upon-Shaftsbury. You see- it was raining in Hyde Park and I had forgotten my umbrella (just like a tourist). I looked up and there he was- offering his yellow umbrella to share. I of course made the obvious How I Met Your Mother reference and then he asked if we should start our own situational-comedy together. Just like the first rule of improv, I screamed, "YES, LET'S!" So now we're thinking June wedding. Since we haven't been able to decide between Westminster and St. Paul's for the service, we're leaving it up to my hoards of blog readers to vote. Do that right now, here!
I've always said that the best defense mechanism is a sarcastic story punctuated with a cat gif.
In truth, I've recently had several wonderful, heartfelt, difficult conversations with trusted friends that I didn't eye-roll my way out of. You see, as a:
post-undergrad
Christian
female
from the south
...this is a pressure that never completely goes away. That's just an honest reality. You can choose to ignore it or lock it in a box tucked far back underneath all your other junk, but it's still there.
So here are some current facts of my life:
1. I would not be where I am today if I were not single. If I had gotten married out of college or was engaged this summer or even in a serious relationship, I'm very certain that I would not have had the strength to leave Texas. I mean, Texas itself is a hard enough relationship to leave. If a man of God who loved me were thrown into that situation as well, the Atlantic would have been a much bigger hurdle to cross.
2. I know where I am today is absolutely part of God's plan for my life. Learning from East 15, living in London, expanding my world view- I'm incredibly grateful for those things and would not ask to trade them for another reality.
3. There are lots of times when I love being single. My two weeks working at the Globe would be an excellent example of that kind of time period. I was completely and utterly fulfilled, spent up, invested, content. It's nice to be selfish and focus all your energy/attention on you. I'm an actor after all, so we do that pretty well already.
4. There are chunks of time when...well, let's let Charlotte communicate my feelings:
5. When on both sides of the spectrum, I have felt both extremely close to and far away from God.
I've done a not-horrible job at trusting God in other areas of my life. I left the best job and most amazing community behind in DFW, but never really questioned the decision to go. It felt absolutely like the right thing to do and still does. But for many reasons, this area of life is just too precious, too disconcerting for me to surrender to him. Why is that? No seriously- why?
Maybe it's the undermining pieces of "wisdom" I've had shouted in my face whispered in my ear for years. Advice that might mean well or come from a good place, but actually creates a major fault-line in any semblance of trust you have. You know the kind.
"As soon as you're content with Jesus, he'll show up."
"Once God is finally enough for you, then He'll send you a man."
"A girl has to be so lost in Jesus that a man must seek Him to find her."
Excuse me WHAT.
You can repeat Jeremiah 29:11 to yourself all day every day, but if you've got crap like that swirling around in your mind- pfff. Good luck.
These things are hurtful (and some unbiblical) for a myriad of reasons, but I'll save some time and just list a few:
They automatically put a judgement on your relationship with your Creator. There's an almost outright accusation that you are not good enough as you currently are. Especially if a married person is telling you this, they're basically saying they've leveled-up in Christianity while you still can't even defeat Baby Bowser.
The most ferocious of all Mario bosses, I think
They imply some sort of weird reward system. Like, if somehow you just pray for enough hours a day, never skip your quiet time, go to seven bible studies a week, always raise your hands during worship, then God will answer you.
They give off this air of a husband being the ultimate end-game in life. Your mature faith leads to the grand-supreme ultimate honor of...wifedom?
Similarly to #2, they imply that God has promised these things to us.
Despite what some very popular mega-churches might tell you (cough cough Joel Osteen) being a Christian doesn't guarantee an easy life where you get every job, person, and success you desire:
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. -James 1:2-3
Therefore, preparing your minds for action,and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. -1st Peter 1:13
So the testing of faith produces steadfastness...not all your dreams come true plus a trip to Disneyland. Our hope should be in the promise and sacrifice of Christ...not everything we think we "need."
But doesn't God want me to be happy? Well..kinda? God is not directly after my happiness, he's after my joy. Those two things are very different. I remember Matt Chandler telling a story one weekend about how his young daughter had been throwing up with some virus all night long. The next morning she had been feeling a little better and wanted to eat the rest of her Halloween candy. Matt of course had to deny her and she was really upset. In the moment, after being sick all night, she was sure of the only thing that would make her feel better and couldn't understand why her dad (who loved her so much) would say no to her. Ultimately, Matt made the more loving choice for her and her well-being.
The season I'm currently in is overflowing with joy - there are moments where I literally feel as if I'm bubbling over with a zest and zeal that I've never experienced before. The road to this season, however, was paved with times of unhappiness where I couldn't understand why the Lord wasn't answering me. Through hindsight, I'm just starting to see the many loving and gracious ways God was taking care of me.
I know that a man can't and won't save me. Jesus already did that and is continuing to and will continue to. The moments I understand this in the core of my being are moments I treasure. Standing on the Globe stage, I saw - I felt - so clearly God's grace and provision in bringing me to that moment. I wish I could bottle that clarity up and tote it around with me to take a sip when needed. Because some days, you just need a little reassurance that you won't be sending out a Christmas card at age 50 of you with a bunch of cats.
Some day I will regret making this. Not today though.
So, in conclusion...? Despite cat-bombing myself, I'm not jaded as I may seem. I'm just realizing that there is no easy, quick-fix answer to this. And as a sentient being, that frustrates the hell out of me.
But I still love Disney movies. I'll always love Disney movies.
Still flawed theology, but it's better than "Someday My Prince Will Come"
I'll end this promised rambling with a song and a scripture, both of which have helped bring my heart back into focus several times.
For whoever reads this- classmates, random Facebook friends, MOM- I hope you know how much God cares for you. He rejoices with you, laughs with you, weeps with you. We could all be reminded of that more.
